Brilliant tips for "managing up" to a bad boss

Do you have an abusive boss that mistreats you for their benefit? Do they steal the credit, overwork you, keep you out of the loop, or publicly shame you? Does your boss ignore or actively suppress your new ideas? Do they fall apart when things don't go well or throw you under the bus? If you answered yes to any of those questions, I'm sorry to tell you, but you have a terrible boss. A toxic boss. An abusive boss.

How do I handle a bad boss, you ask? Let me tell you!

Bad bosses don't care about their employees. To them, people are just numbers. In their world, there's no such thing as employee recognition or appreciation. Their work domain revolves around them alone. This negative behavior is not only infuriating, but it can also stunt your professional growth. Your boss's negative behavior is more likely about their professional insecurity than anything about you.

Unfortunately, it's counterproductive to push back — passively or aggressively. Your first step in combatting a lousy boss is to try to understand what is causing their behavior. Perhaps they feel a need to be in charge, feel inadequate, or are obsessed with control. Invest some time asking questions and genuinely listening to their thoughts, experiences, feelings inside and outside of work; you'll discover who they are. Know what motivates and worries your boss and try to assuage their concerns.

Make a conscious and honest effort to earn your manager's trust and respect by succeeding in the dimensions they care about most. That means you must deliver on your work projects and deliver in a way that doesn't increase your boss's stress. Ask how you can help and provide regular and detailed updates, so your boss is apprised of your progress. Over-deliver, go above and beyond, and stay above reproach.

While it's easy to get discouraged and catch their negative mood—resist! You control your emotions--that's called emotional intelligence, and I promise you that you have it. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't. Keep your chin up, nose to the grindstone, and you'll find their reigns will loosen sooner than later.

Make a name for yourself

Another tactic to combat an abusive boss is to join cross-functional teams and take on projects outside of your day job. Network with people across the organization so that your work is broadly recognized and can't be overlooked. If your co-workers are talking about you and their favorable experiences with you at work– their word-of-mouth is more powerful than your 'abusive' boss. The more people know about you and your work, the more support you have within the company beyond your manager's control.

If everyone has high opinions of you and is singing your praises, your boss will be less likely to spread negative stories about you. That's the protection of a solid professional reputation. If your boss acts unprofessionally, stay on the high road. Lead by example, show up with integrity, with clear boundaries, with character, and do not let them get you down. Be respectful, be kind—and most of all, be professional. Never say anything negative about your boss, even to your most trusted colleagues or work friends.

When to go to HR

HR is not there to be your friend. It's there to protect the company—if they're good at their jobs, they try to balance the company's needs while ensuring that employees receive the protections and information they need. Now, if your manager is discriminating against you because of your race or national origin, or some other protected area -- you should go to HR and file an official complaint. They are legally bound to investigate the situation. We all want other people to change, but if the problem isn't a legal one, you're going to have far better luck if you come to HR with the question of "what can I do differently" rather than "can you make Jane/John behave differently."

When to quit

If you've given all the above tips a try—a real honest to goodness try—and your boss shows no improvement after a few months, then it might be time to look for a new position. If you've got that solid internal network (and the company's big enough), you could try to transfer roles/departments. If that's not an option, it's time to start job hunting. Do not; I repeat, do not, just up and quit. First, it's unprofessional to burn bridges. Your boss may still be a reference for you in the future if you leave with kindness and dignity. Secondly, securing a job can take time. A long time. And if you're not lucky enough to be in the top 2% of independently wealthy people, the prudent course of action is to line up a new gig before putting in your two weeks' notice.

Keep your chin up

When everything is said and done—few people are entirely bad. We're complex human beings with external forces pressuring us from many directions. Don't assume everything your boss says or does is directed at you or because of you. Give them the benefit of the doubt, don't add a layer of suspicion or hostile intentions on top of them. Sometimes people have bad days or problems at home that affect their mood, and it isn't about you. There are also cultural differences that could be at play. So, tread slowly, carefully, and compassionately. In general, we're all trying to make the best lives for ourselves and are varying degrees of kind. As I always tell my kids, "You must give kindness, to receive kindness."